Family Life Conference Day One
Session 2: God's Order for a Pastor's Relationships
I delivered a simple message based on Ephesians 5-6, where Paul sketches out for us a snapshot of the various "orbits" in our "relational system." First, at the Center, the Sun, is the Lord Jesus. The next relational orbit is marriage, husband and wife. Then comes the orbit of children and finally, the church. God's order: Jesus, spouse, children, church.
When asked, "What is the typical order of "orbits" in the relational system for the pastors in Tamil Nadu?" For a few moments, I noticed a strange silence at the table discussion groups. Then, a sudden shift: a very heated and difficult exploded at one table. Raj drew out that conversation and invited the whole group in.
What was the source of the conflict?
By show of hands, Raj surveyed the spouses and 12 out of the 14 wives in the room said, "The average pastor's priorities are exactly the opposite: Church, Children, spouse, Jesus."
Ouch!
I basically threw the hand grenade in the room. Raj, the discussion leader, was left dealing with the flying shrapnel.
To put it lightly, the lid came off in this session. The covered up complaints came out. Pretty scary stuff. But, these pastors are providing leadership for almost 600 churches. Literally thousands of families are watching their example. The stakes are high. So, we went right ahead and entered the tunnel of chaos.
After that survey, the awkwardness in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife. You could see the pastors squirming, some undone and some furious. Raj handled the situation like a skilled surgeon with a scalpel. I love the openness of the Tamil people. The discussion that followed was filled with a lot of emotion, but all in grace.
As is usual with conflict, the men were quick to say, "Hey, there are two sides to every story! We feel that the real conflict lies in a clash of values. Many pastor's wives are followers of Jesus, in that they trust him as Savior, but they have not surrendered to Him as Teacher and Lord, letting him shape and instruct every area of life."
One pastor confided to me privately, "She sees me doing good to those who persecute me and says, 'Don't be foolish. These people are only setting a trap for you. Will you walk straight in it? Don't waste your time on those fools.' I am seeking only to live out Jesus words to bless those who curse you, yet she opposes me. What am I to do?"
Almost every couple reported similar conflicts in values around various issues.
What started as a session on God’s order for relationships, quickly turned into a heart-rending counseling session with 12 couples simultaneously. I’ve never been a part of anything like it. The level of trust and vulnerability was astounding. The combined wisdom was penetrating. The ministry was coming from every direction.
Tonight, the ladies and gents are working in separate group to develop a conflict resolution process that they can use as a baseline. Tomorrow morning, each group will present. Then, their work will be combined into a tool for conflict resolution. Each couple will have time them to find a quiet place for them to talk and begin the conversation in a whole new way.
A session that started with friction and heat, ended with smiles and laughter. One of my favorite sounds in the world is the fully-bellied laugh of the Tamil people. Their philosophy, "If you're going to laugh, laugh until it hurts." Whenever I hear it, I know I'm hearing a bit of what Heaven sounds like. Today that laughter was the sound of hope.
Then, we moved from laugher to worship, prayer, and then finally, tears. A mutual confession of sin filled the room, there were many tears of regret followed by forgiveness and grace. The Spirit of God moved in ways that are almost indescribable to me.
Whole new possibilities for oneness opened up today. The points of conflict are far from resolved, but a profound new hope for healing and intimacy in these families exists and thousands will follow.
Today felt like the New Testament in every. We were living in Acts 29, writing the Story.
In addition to all the above, there was plenty of time for singing (camp style!), games, cricket, projects and crafts for the kids, great food, and plenty of hang time. But, I think I’ll actually save that stuff for another post!
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